Why am I scared to be the center of my own world?
I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions lately. Whether that comes with rediscovering myself or with age, I couldn’t tell you. This investigation began after the shift of another person in my life.
I don’t like gray space. I don’t like it when things don’t make sense. I don’t care to invest my time into something or someone when there is no actual intention on their end. So I made the decision to change things because I wasn’t going to wait around for another person to choose me.
But this thought shot out like a rocket. Piercing its way through the gray folds, looking for an answer. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy spending time alone, but I also find ways to add other people into it. Why? What’s wrong with being the center of my own world for a bit without the drama tango of what are we/what aren’t we? Isn’t life exciting enough already without it? The answer to that is, of course.
But this terrifying thing happens when I get alone. My mind floods with all the ideas of things I want to do, accomplish, achieve, and try. I am frightened into such a debilitating state that I reach for what’s easiest, other people. Because having to tango with myself, well, that’s work. It’s not just work, it’s exhausting. It yields results, mind you, but then I get so tired that I want someone else to lead for a bit.
I let them, only to find that our steps are not in sync. So, I go back to tangoing with myself, and for a while it’s fine. It’s exhilarating even. But then I get so content, almost blissful, that I scare myself into thinking I don’t deserve it. I pick a new partner and let them step all over my toes without trying to complain, knowing that eventually I’m going to leave again and finally go sit down.
That’s where I am now. Proud of myself for choosing me and not being stepped on, but also mad at choosing a partner simply because dancing with myself was challenging. I know I’m going to get up, and this dance will continue. I’m realizing though, I’m not okay with just anyone stepping in as my partner anymore. I don’t need them to be perfect, but I do need to trust their lead, and that’s not something I’m willing to compromise on.
Since being the center of my own world feels so uncomfortable, it’s something I’m going to embrace. I’ve been facing too many fears to back down from this one.
Until next time… may your steps be your own.
I write to connect with myself, with you. If you’d like to be part of that, you can…
I had to include this music break…..it’s popped into my head aching to be shared.